1. Learn the lingo.

“Railroad style” – Prepare to have your shame publicly broadcast to your roommates.

“Boxed bedrooms” – Shit ain’t got closets. Which is great, because it’s not like you OWN THINGS.

Small – I know I’m in for a doozy if they admit to the apartment being small. I clam up and get a feeling of GNAWING FEAR in my stomach as I a brace myself to be lead through what is nothing short of an urban habitrail. Throw in a wheel and some food pellets and I’ll sign the lease today!

“Winged” X bedroom” - What, is my apartment a fucking a Pegasus? If my apartment is “winged” it better fly my ass to fucking work every morning, and take a dump on my ex boyfriend’s car. No, what they mean by this is that your apartment does not have a living room. A winged three bedroom is actually what in every other city/country is a two bedroom with a living space. Ah New York, the only civilized city I know where Lebensraum is a luxury, not a right.

“Steps away from XYZ” – Hyperbole at its finest. Fucking Kobe Bryant steps, maybe. On an island roughly the width of Roman Polanski’s rape vacation fortress, “steps away” can literally be used to describe anything. In Brooklyn, I am “steps away” from Manhattan. In Chinatown, I’m “steps away from the East Village.” On avenue D, I’m “steps away” from a comfortable place where I don’t have to worry about getting mugged and sexually assaulted.

Avenue C - Probably closer to D.

Between avenue B and C = Avenue C

Perfect for students = perfect for broke people who can’t afford anything but shit.

“Exposed brick!” – Do people actually like exposed brick? “You know, this apartment would be SHIT if wasn’t for all this EXPOSED BRICK. I’LL TAKE IT!”

Kitchen = living room with a stove in it.

Living room = hallway with a stove in it.

dishwasher = this is a typo. What they meant was gangbanging bedbugs.

backyard = an outside-ish space full of garbage from previous tenants where you can contract west nile.

“huuuuuuuuuge, sick deal, best, roof partay!, sweeeeeet” – empty words used by foreign Borat-lookalike brokers to lure naive young people into looking at shittacular apartments.

Williamsburg = Bushwick.

East Williamsburg = Really fucking Bushwick. Bushwack’d Bushwick.

Tell me, brokers, how far east does Williamsburg extend? The grand stop on the L? Or perhaps the Balkan mountain range?

2. Pets.

You have four categories for pets.
- Pets ok: this is like finding a fucking hundred dollar bill in a garbage bin of medical waste.
- Pets not ok: at least they’re honest. Dicks, but honest.
- Pets on a case by case basis: BRINE SHRIMP and Tamagotchis ONLY.

3. 5th floor walk-up: the stages of grief

1. Denial: Guys, this will be great for us! We’ll get extra exercise and the view is great!
2. Anger: WTF DID THEY PUT IN ANOTHER FLIGHT OF STAIRS? AND DID THIS STAIRWAY GET NARROWER? FUCK YOU, STAIRS (multiply this x INFINITY if you are moving things).
3. Bargaining: Ok, I’ll meet you halfway down the stairs to give your keys. That’s the best I can do.
4. Depression: This usually entails me crying and eating Popeye’s at the bottom of the stairs and debating on sleeping on the floor.
5. Acceptance: You were a bad idea. I regret you, and will never make this mistake again.
6. Teleportation while drunk: How did I get up here? I can’t even fucking walk, let alone climb 10 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.

4. Let’s Talk Brokers

Broker Fee: at least they’re being upfront about the fact they’re trying to rob you.
Negotiable fee: “lolz i want money but i’m desperate so…let’s work something out where you still feel violated and i can go get bottle service at da club, k?”
No fee: this apartment is shit. Take it and some waffle fries FO’ FREE.

“Oh, I’ll just call this one broker to see a specific apartment and won’t let them sucker me into seeing other crap.”
This was me a year ago–nubile, naive, and ready to keep my options open. Take into consideration the following things: 1. this apartment does not exist. It is a mirage. There is probably a nice Yuppie couple living in the apartment in those pictures. They’re probably paying 3x whatever you are willing to pay, and that apartment was never available in the first place; it was only posted to lure you into going to their sketchy broker company, signing a contract (and signing away your legal right to rent any of the apartments you see at their real, un-inflated cost). Let it go and move on.

“Oh, that apartment wasn’t available but you’ll show me other ones just like it in my price range? That can’t be too bad!”
Brace for inevitable shit show. This includes apartments HUNDREDS of dollars outside your price range, miles outside your location, vermin-infested dumps, apartments in the initial fuck phase of renovation, etc. All these can be yours and more for the low brokerage fee of one month’s rent. Once you sign that stupid contract KILLSELF is the only option. Especially once you see the same apartment you looked at for 600 dollars lower than the broker advertised and you can’t rent it because you’re legally bound to a pile of shenanigans and horse apples.

Almost every apartment being shown by brokers (fee or no fee) will be listed by a management company for significantly cheaper and less of a hassle. Not to say that management companies don’t suck donkey balls too, but at least you’ll get to deal directly with them and not have it mediated through someone whose fucking Devry degree or stand-up comedy career didn’t pan out.

If you see an apartment listed on CL that you like, but it’s listed by a broker (fee or no fee), check to see the address. Does it say some steaming bullcrap like “LOWER EAST SIDE AT MANHATTAN ST.?” If yes, then the apartment is available for cheaper. PROTIP: if you google-map the address “Lower East Side at Manhattan Street” your computer will implode and incinerate you immediately. Less retarded brokers will simply omit an address or just give you the neighborhood as in “EAST VILLAGE GEM STEPS AWAY FROM –the moon, al gore, my bff jill, etc–”

5. Guerrilla warfare

You finally find a place you love and apply. You might get fucked over for no reason. A. Someone else might apply for the place who sucks less than you. B. Someone else might be willing to pay more than you. 4. The apartment was never available and they just wanted your application monies. Go home, drink your tears, start search over, repeat.

6. A memo to STUYTOWN, PETER COOPER VILLAGE, ETC.:

Putting a bookcase in the middle of a room does not make it two rooms. I am sick of seeing ONE BEDROOMS listed as THREE BEDROOMS.

“lol, all u gotta do is put a bookcase here, install a wall here, then put a door in that wall, and then pull out the copy of Milton’s PARADISE LOST in the bookcase, thus activating the secret door. Take that path, race up to the observatory, spin the sundial and pass into the room of the golden idols. Once there, push down on their faces to release the doors, that may take you below or lead you into the shrine of the silver monkey.

Assemble the statue there and you may be headed for the torch room. If the elevator is up, you could jump into the elevator and descend into the mineshaft. You might climb up the ladder or plow through the stone wall. Find the key and it may unlock the tombs of the ancient kings, allowing you to climb into the spider’s lair. If you escape, you may have a chance to sit upon the throne of the Pretender. If the correct door is unlocked, you’ll be able to crawl into pit of despair and finally make you way through the cave of size, back to the temple gate.

The choices are yours and yours alone.
Good luck!”

Lower East Side at Manhattan Street (google map) (yahoo map)
cats are OK – purrr
dogs are OK – wooof
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Fee Disclosure: No
Listed By: Real Advice Incorporated

Planking regulations:

Naked Planking:

Celebrity Planking:

Planking prodigy:

Planking on the job:

Poodle Planking:

Cabin Baggage Planking:

Ice Planking:

10th – “Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!” – Noah, 4314 BC

9th – “How the f*** did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th – “You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566

7th – “Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877

6th – “It does so f***ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926

5th – “Where the f*** are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th – “Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938

3rd – “What the f*** was that bang?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd – “I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!” – JFK, 1963

AND …  Drum roll please ..

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the “F” word …..

“Aw c’mon.  Who the f*** is gonna find out?” – Tiger Woods, 2009

These are really interesting……

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust..

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scrat ch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..

And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring!!! Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend

Gillard shrugs and replies,    ‘Well, I could throw ten $100
bills out the
window and make ten people happy.’

Not to be outdone, Swan says,    ‘Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.’

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,  ‘Such arrogant
jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window
and make 21 million people happy.’

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny..

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?
—————————————————————————-

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

———————————————————–

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
—————————————————————

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
——————————————————

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
———————————————————-

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
—————————————————————-

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
———————————————————————–

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
—————————————————————-

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
————————————————————————

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
———————————————————-

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ———————————

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is……

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

A young man had just moved to Tasmania after running the rat race for too many years in Sydney. Upon his arrival his neighbor turned up and struck up a conversation.

-Welcome to the neighborhood! Wanna come round tomorrow night? I’m throwin a party!

- Sounds good

- Gotta warn ya though, there might be a bit of drinkin goin on.

- That’s fine, I’ve been known to throw back a few

- And there might be a bit of fightin, things can get rough at these parties…

- O.K. … I guess

- Oh, and the sex

- The sex?

- Yeah often these things result in a bit of an orgy

- So who are all these people coming to this party of yours?

- Just you and me mate!

The chicken and the egg were sitting in bed after sex, each smoking a cigarette. The chicken said, “well, I guess that answers that question”.

The Ladder to Success

Stevie died and went into the afterlife to find himself surrounded by a squad of cheerleaders who immediately ran to him and caressed him with kisses. The head cheerleader appeared and said “You can stay here with us for eternity or climb the ladder to success” she said pointing to a ladder in the corner. The man couldn’t stand the curiosity so he started to climb the ladder… When he arrived to the next level he saw models, as far as the eye could see, naked as the day they were born. The first one said, “You can stay here with us for eternity or climb the ladder to success…”
Debating the choice a little, Stevie went back to the ladder to continue climbing… he couldn’t wait to see the paradise awaiting him.
On the next level sat a fat, old, bald hairy man with blotchy skin and a horrible smell.
“What the hell is this? Where are all the beautiful women and who are you?
“I’m Cess” the man said.